Want

I want to cum so hard

I want to cum so hard, it hits you right in the eye

Yeah, in the eye, fucker, learn to like going down

If I have to swallow a river, a spritz shouldn’t make you frown.

I want to laugh so crazily

I want to laugh so crazily, my teeth glint in the sun

And my mouth stretches till I’m braying like a hyena

And you’re staring, trying to be so brave – you liar!

I want to stare at you

I want to stare at you, my eyes like pools

Stripping, shearing the skin off you like masking tape

Until you are shivering bones, so easily torn like crepe

I want to snap my body back

I want to arch it high, over your head

Smack my leg across your face – yeah, take it

The crack of your cheekbones, blood spilling where the foot ripped

I want to slam you in the throat

Curl my fingers into the sockets in your head

Squeeze your spirit out, my hand oozing with juice

Grab your stick and shake the balls loose

And then let me watch you

Watch you as you’re leering at me right now

In the shops, in the bus, on your bike, across the street
Grins raking over me like fresh meat to eat

Art by Pranjali Dubey (@kalmuhi on Instagram)

In the Well

I had a dream once
That I was in a deep, dark well
A hollow creature, subhuman
A body, really
No face

I was everywhere
And nowhere
All at once, in space and not
On ground or in it.

I made sounds, no talk
Grunting, burping
Farting, snorting
Even a queef, for a laugh

I did not wonder how to move
I did not care to raise that head
To look up at the sky - blue, black, grey
I know not in my dream

Like an old clock though
I weathered on
Not that I knew time
Because I was not living a life

Soon the weathered wet bricks
Were my palms
The damp stone
My seat

The curling ends of my hair
Was it hair? More a beast merged with mine
The worms through the cracks
Cousins accompanying the queefs

In the heat was sweat and in the cold, tremors
What did I, whatever I was, know of them?
A curious, painful numbness
My head was merely a heavy accessory

I am now part of the well
And I wish I could tell
How I woke, how I went on
How morning was another life

Irony is a masterful poet
And in this one
She weaves a thread
Known to many, entertained by few

See, I told you this was a dream
It was
At this point I pause my pen
To lean over the rim

I enjoy my work, indeed
As does my touch in the works of others
Rarely do I feel
And this is no exception

It grunts in its space
Master of its own shell
But I am not inquisitive
I like to leave well enough alone

To entertain that this thing
Could dream the truth of my words
What fun! It is absurd
I am, however, aware of one thing

One shared connection, though I shudder
I do not feel, it does not feel
We could be so like each other
Instead, I drop my pen
And my words

Into the well
It does not stir
But I like to think
Some day

It will learn
And it will weep
And I will laugh
And then, the link will be broken

Time

Time changes everything
Faces become images
Then memories
To be played like slides
With a smell, a sound, in the dark

Time changes everything
When you're away
You lose sight of who you were
Sometimes that's good; other times
Do you even know your name?

Time changes everything
Today, when you're with family
You're back after a long while
A long while means difference
And no one here seems to remember that

Time changes everything
When you're alone in a crowd
It means you've forgotten
How to fit in when you're alone
That's how it used to be

Time changes everything
Every place, every face, every feeling
It's because of time you have to move on
But does starting off by yourself
Have to be so bumpy and painful?

Everyone has it wrong, you see
When the world's your oyster
And you're the only one to take a certain path
You're in charge of your own destiny
It doesn't change how lonely it can be.

Time changes everything
It changes your perspective
It changes day and night
But most of all
It can change how strong you felt before

Petrichor

Don't be flattered, petrichor.
You are but squelched earth hiding,
The sins of sins, seeking and finding,
Poisonous refuge in earthy grave.
You are odour; I refuse to crave
Your sweet - your bitterness
After a night of wetness,
Of gentle showers and sorrowful downpour
That shake me to my very core.
You are wrong for my soul.
I once welcomed the joy you seem to dole
Out, to the world and upon a time,
To me; it is now a crime.
Stop arising, just do not be.
I scorn you, I detest you,
I curse you as the foul smell of rue.
None can see you, but I can feel
Terrible sadness, played around the wheel
Of time that cannot anymore be lived.
I work in clear sheets, with droplets livid
In their rage against the ground, in the air.
I am the moment's anger; it isn't fair.
You are not to be remembrance,
You are not to let me reminisce.
T-this - stop, stop! I will not bow!
Petrichor, if you insist on stooping so low,
Then learn to live and let live.
If you must take, I will give
And let my tears, the bitter smell of salt,
Join in convincing you of your fault.

Today

I do not want to regret

Regret, like taking the first train

Jumping off the platform

And finding myself bent double 

In a crowd full of every woman for herself.

I do not want to regret

Regret being sliced and diced

Refrigerated and folded

Packed into a tin

Along with a hundred thousand others.

Today I take the first step

A small one, but it's a start.

I tire of the taste of ashes

Of dreams only dreamt

Then burned like this scrap I write on.

Today what I want to say

Will begin to take shape.

The deadline's in clear sight

And the trail less so.

I follow the lead of my heroes

Perhaps not to bleed for a greater good, yet

But to bleed for myself

For not now, then when?

When will I become like them?

I will not regret

Not fighting tooth and nail

To shine inside out

Today I take the first step

And it won't be the last.

Blue

It’s a world of blues out there

I wouldn’t say fifty shades of grey

Unless you want to 

Shift in and out

Of a half truth and full lie,

Of a spectrum of nothing and everything.

I say the world is blue because it is,

Of subtle hints and shifting waters

Of dappled purples and straightforward mauves.

In a clear blue sky, you see purpose

As you see a web of complications

In a sea of soft teal and cornflower.

Solid and liquid, blue is time

Blue is the wide-eyed gaze of a newborn,

Blue is the weary stare clouded with cataracts.

Blue is both knowledge and oblivion,

As close to black as it can get

When you try to see past the stars.

Cold and warm, a myriad of shades

That rival the fifty of grey

That you like to believe in so much.

I say your life is blue because it IS

It means the quiet rhythm 

Of the songs that narrate your soul

It means the depths of grief and failure

It means the soaring pinnacle of success

When you don that graduation cap.

Say what you like, every colour is blue’s best friend

Which is why - I say - when you’re ready

To share a piece of luck, love and life

You say this

‘Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue…’

Bathtub Musings (Without The Scented Candles)

art by Paula Mihele on Etsy

I lay in the tub

I was just bathing

To the outsider it might have seemed

A scene fresh out of a horror flick

They said, 'No, it's not a trick

Look at her, pale and trembling

Arms splayed, fractured bones of a broken wing

Look at her sitting so still, wide-eyed

She's a form that can never abide

By time, by place, by reality, by universe

She's too much for us, she might coerce

Us, to sit there drowning with her for company

Let us thus abandon her, she is one, we are many

She cannot pull us down with her!'

I was just bathing

My chest was covered by the water

You couldn't see me naked

Maybe just the sticky strings, all vividly red

I was bathing and bleeding, you see

Because every word outside cut me

What had I done wrong? Was it

Really that awful to simply sit

And let them see me as I was?

Every person that tried

To lift me out, to stretch me wide

To fit with them, in them

Failed. And then lied in tandem

To the world that I was unfit.

Then some tried to sit

With me and clean me

And pull me into them, to see

If I would fold and lean

Forever into them, forever unseen.

They failed too, and lied in tandem

That I was unworthy of them.

All I wanted to do was bathe

And rise. And do everything

That I was supposed to have done

If they hadn't pounced and cut me

I wouldn't have bled and stared

And they couldn't have called me a ghost

I was in terror more than being a terror.

You see, I hadn't ever expected this, so

Maybe they were right after all.

Goodbye, Autumn

Catch those falling petals,

One by one,

It's time to go home,

It's time to let time die.

Copper and rust

Ought to coat your palms

Silver and ebony

Ought to dot your forehead.

Sniff the air, my lovely

All warm and wet and soft

It's time to say goodbye, lovely,

Time to whisper a golden farewell.

It's the shifting of grey skies

And the rushing of cold dust

A pattering and thundering

Of heavens venting o'er and o'er.

Draw your coat closer, lovely,

Draw into your cosy haven.

Draw into cider and apple pie

And a smoked turkey with applesauce.

But before you go, lovely,

Take away a scarlet token.

Keep a crimson reminder

Of everything gone to sleep.

So you'll have a little piece of colour

To keep through the whiteness

Of a deep, deep slumber

And a silence reflected in naked branches and empty bark.

And when once you wake, my lovely

To twittering wings and delicious flora,

You'll know for sure, lovely

That Spring's sweet song has at last begun.

The Rant

I feel like, I feel like

I've come to this age

Where I've got to share

I've got to know

What you think, why

You say what you say

When I say what I say

I feel like, I feel like

Like drinking every drop

Of dazzling pop and quiet cool culture

And telling the world and telling you

Everything, every thought, every term

Every vowel, every word, every- WHOA.

Now that my tongue's had enough

My head says, 'Hush'

And then I join in this lay game

Where we all shut up

Some for a second, others for a lifetime

And I don't speak and you don't speak

But we're still shouting so loudly

And we try to see who can figure out

What we're saying, and what a laugh!

Because we're sharing alright

We're just not sharing aloud

So it's always going to be before sunrise

Where we think it's healthy

To rebel against anything that can be fought

And we're going to talk and not talk

And yell and spew on every surface through every medium

And we're going to share and share and share

Before the great green god of greed

Swoops down on us all

And sucks away the passion

And sucks and sucks and sucks

Till he's drunk with it all.

So we have fat bundles of green

But the anger and zest and the electricity

Have been shelled, peas no longer in the pod

As old with lines as we become though

We'll learn to talk and share and smile and scream

But in careful compartments,  unlocked for the right one

The right one who remains the written one sometimes

Or the written off one

I digress.

See?

As we grow old with lines

The rant stops in favour

Of taciturn tact and

Telling everyone to get along

Instead of being the one told to shut the hell up.

It's gonna happen, and it will and there's no fighting

I'll become crows' feet and quiet thoughts

Worried responsibility and rare laughter

But till then, oh God, till then

I'm going to scream

Till

Till

Till I'm red in the goddamn face.

Incubus Returns

The dripping heart cries
Alone, alone, pushed away
The heart is blocked with pain.

Empty sweep of sand
Only Vulture's raw cry
I am insane with fear

Thick, scratchy darkness
Boiling, overflowing
Stabbing my ears and eyes.

Now Vulture calls loudly
But he is invisible
Hovering, waiting.

I shriek, I scream
A silent scream just for me
And just for him above.

I cannot see Vulture
His talons flex in wait
I can hear them though

Run! Run! Run!
But where to? Ahead?
Run! Fall! Run!

To flee is to stay
In infinity, in loops
To stay is to flee.

Now Vulture circles low
Salivating, beak open
Swoop! Swoop! Dive!

I am so scared
No comfort in movement
No comfort in the still.

And cold sweat!
Wake! Wake! Turn! Pant! Wake!
My fingers clutch sheets.

I tremble
A reality rescue
From the abyss, again.

Oh, God, will this ever stop?!

The Dreamcatcher Verse

If you and I were to weave our dreams,

What a pretty sight would that be!

In silky gossamer and swirling filigree,

Each moonlit panel a portal to infinite possibility.

Vast azure oceans of beauty,

Evening balls with seraph, dryad and fey,

A lover's kiss, a promise of a new day,

A darkened path lit up by a sudden, inspiring ray.

Ah! But hideous phantoms cry out, too.

A hunter's moan, the prey's low groan of pain.

Fear in every corner, boon entangled with bane,

Chased by Death's claws, trying to flee in vain.

If you and I were to weave our dreams,

Let the moonlight break the fragile shell of our nightmares,

Let the burnished glow of our hopes emerge,

And let us sweetly slumber, without fear of dark traps or snares.

Love Cacophony

She burned fully and freely

Giving all, taking all

She burned freely and fully

It was easy. She simply could.

She swayed and crackled

Unmindful of the gathering storm

She whipped, turned, burst, drew

The storm grew in spite of her.

He rained down, fully and freely

Drenching all, sparing none

He rained down, freely and fully

It was easy. He simply could.

He watched the flame

Who swayed and crackled

He watched the flame dance and whirl

He wanted the flame. He simply did.

They met with a lusty collision

That shook a god's throne and made him roar

Light zigged and the sky boomed

It was cacophony. Love cacophony.

The flame grew into an inferno

That couldn't be quenched

The flame grew with the storm

Which couldn't be vapour at all.

And the world groaned and the children cried

As they met and destroyed the crust,  mantle

And the world cried and the children groaned

They were so very close to the core.

But the flame flickered, softened.

And suddenly shrank

And shrivelled weakly, palely

And shrank and shrank and shrank.

He howled with pain

The horizon screamed with noise and light

He bellowed with grief

And the sky spilt, again and again and again.

But the flame shrank, the dance done

And the flame shrank and the flame sighed

It burned sweetly, today once more

And the flame shrank and the flame died.

They cowered beneath the shelter

The children, the mother, the family

They waited for hell and heaven and the gods and him

They waited to die.

Nothing burned and nothing soaked

She was gone and he went with her

He never rained, never again

He left, with her last sigh.

Now the world groaned and the children cried

They raged for a different reason.

They lived because of noise and light

And force and colour and her and him.

But now, cracks along wounded crust

Stinking carcass and rotten breath

Now, just vast brown and vast blank empty

Empty, empty, empty, empty...

Tubby Troubles

The clock ticks and I'm still not done

I press and pinch and prod and poke

The clock ticks and the mirror still reflects

I am late for school.

The mother shouts and I'm still not done

I pull and tuck and twist and push

The mother shouts and the shirt still clings

I am late for dinner.

Night falls and I'm still not done

I clench and unclench and breathe and hold

Night falls and the paunch still remains

I am late for bed.

I roll and punch and groan and cry

I fill my stomach and empty it with acid

I reject its demands and then stuff it with plastic

My tummy is red and stretched all over.

I cannot think anymore, I burn greenly

Tight bellies peer with baby buttons

Tiny bums are flatly smug in tiny shorts

Thigh bolsters laugh at my thigh sacks of rice.

And I cannot think anymore, I flicker sadly

When someone says hi, I look down

Only I can't see my toes and all I reply is

I'mfatI'mfatI'mfatI'mfatI'mfatI'mfatI'mfatI'mfat...

Resurgam

The water bead slides gently

The rim of the cool glass its kingdom

Its lover, its anchor -

God, I don't know where THAT came from

I have been somnolent for too long

It feels like hours, months, years

I have been carefully setting my thoughts

Labeling my feelings, bottling my fears

The morning is pale, the morning is drawn

Broken but unbroken, no longer a virgin

Grey shot with scarlet, marked

But bright enough, unbent with cloudy burden

I stare down at him

He lies face down, he might be  asleep

Like an overgrown baby, oozing

And dribbling and spilling and -

I raise the shard of glass

Spit-yellow and vein-y black red

He tore me, I tear him, tear him

Tear him, tear, man, blood, bed -

A beam of light splits the sky

And I stagger, naked, outside

Grey breaks apart, pink dissolves

The sky opens its mouth wide

I see myself everywhere

In the white blossoms tinged with scarlet

In the mud-blue veins over the ice

In the layer of grease in my hair, dry yet wet

And thus, I leave  as the sky swallows itself

The light pulls the greyness of dawn after night

Like a cloak from my shoulders - I have survived

And I walk on and on and on. Not guilty, white, right...

Grasshopper Philosophy without the Karate Krap (sorry, Mr Miyagi)

I do not think

That you know what I am speaking of (Do you?)

You shy away, claiming an overdose

Of flowers and caramel, mush and sentimental goo.

Wait, do not go.

Let me explain myself (Understand, please)

Sit down. Relax (A drink? Or two?)

Give some time.  Offer me a lease.

It began as early as time itself

Older than hatred, younger than survival

It's had its ups and downs

Denials, departures and revivals.

You wish for examples?

Why should I give them?

Take out your preschool drawings

Trace your finger over the letters 'F' and 'M'.

You have stopped scoffing, I see (Good)

Are you realizing, remembering now?

The first time that infantile hand grabbed your finger

And you immediately strengthened that protection vow?

You require elaboration

Think of it this way

It is like water, wonderful water

Cold, clear, beautiful on a hot day.

In the searing desert heat,

It is ambrosia

In the high mountains,

You are glad for its warmth, and know no fear.

When you drink from it

It fills your being with life itself

You may not miss it when it is present

But in its absence, you gasp for relief.

I digress. (Wait, you are saying something)

Yes, it includes THAT  as well

THAT,  to which Laila and Majnoon fell prey

And Jodie and Elton came out of their shell.

I will come to the point (I am tired)

You ask again, of what is it that I speak about

Why, have you not understood at all? (Waste of my breath!)

It's LOVE, you silly, stupid lout!

Eighteen

Eighteen

It's when you're 'grown up'

Leaving behind sparkly dresses

And leg warmers and coloured streaks

And dark lipstick and lip gloss

For one blank faceless face.

Eighteen

It's when Pepsi stops fizzing

And solidifies into coffee

And the sweetness darkens to tart alcohol

And you drink and drink and drink

To forget what never existed.

Eighteen

It's when what you like disintegrates

To form a smokescreen

Of what you must like

Of Freudian phrases and sullen quotes

That hint at intriguing intellect.

Eighteen

It's when laughter is frowned upon

And stifled to form a dry chuckle

Dry as a throat in the morning

From an angry night of tête-à-tête, Marlboro and Gauloise.

I am not myself

Not this surly avatar with dark shades

Haunting quaint cafes with tiny books

Filled with existentialism

And thinking, thinking, thinking and thinking.

I'm eighteen

I am supposed to want to conquer

And change, with big words

Along with a spoonful of reality

To dose everyone with mouthfuls of bitter  better.

But I'd consider it my biggest achievement

If I were to die at eighteen

To convince myself, right here, right now

To believe in Disney, Blyton, Rowling and the heroes

To hold fast to friendship, wit and bravery.

For later, and forever more

I know I will look back

And sigh, and wish

That if I could go back, I'd tell my eighteen-year old self

To just be that. Eighteen. A teen.