Today

I do not want to regret

Regret, like taking the first train

Jumping off the platform

And finding myself bent double 

In a crowd full of every woman for herself.

I do not want to regret

Regret being sliced and diced

Refrigerated and folded

Packed into a tin

Along with a hundred thousand others.

Today I take the first step

A small one, but it's a start.

I tire of the taste of ashes

Of dreams only dreamt

Then burned like this scrap I write on.

Today what I want to say

Will begin to take shape.

The deadline's in clear sight

And the trail less so.

I follow the lead of my heroes

Perhaps not to bleed for a greater good, yet

But to bleed for myself

For not now, then when?

When will I become like them?

I will not regret

Not fighting tooth and nail

To shine inside out

Today I take the first step

And it won't be the last.

Much Ado About Nothing

The first time she asked, he'd had a legitimate reason to back out. 'Nuh-uh,' he said, inwardly thankful for his hard-as-nails boss. 'I have a huge presentation the day after, don't even -' 'Get you started?' she'd said dryly, and he'd blushed hard. Okay, so he spent inordinate hours complaining about work. That still didn't deter him from using it as an excuse to not join her. Rolling her eyes, she'd flounced off to her own drawing board.

The second time it happened, he was attacking her and she - happily for him - was enjoying it very much indeed. The moment came (ahem) when he was nuzzling her smooth inner thigh. Breathlessly, she gasped out her request, meeting his astonished eyes with her own, low-lidded and dark with lust. He didn't say a word - didn't have to, not when he bent his head in a sudden moment of inspiration and she was blazing home with no memory afterward of her question.

Then again, she'd always had that annoying habit of springing something on him when he was at his most vulnerable. So it came to this - a week after that particularly pleasurable night, when he was sprawled out on the sofa in his boxers having just downed a plate and a half of lasagne, and completely at peace with a copy of Jurassic Park, he didn't look up till a loud thump shocked him into doing just that.

'What?' he barked, snappy because he was startled. She didn't give a damn though (Never did, he thought wryly). Instead she grinned at him happily and mouthed what she wanted. 'Come on, I've been asking you forever and you always refuse!'

He gulped and promptly rolled off the sofa. 'I - er, can't. Not tonight, anyway,' he said. 'Why not?' she asked, annoyed. 'Because, uh...I have to finish this. Yeah, can't keep it too long here, heh,' he said, his voice sounding irritatingly jaunty even to himself. She raised an eyebrow. 'You borrowed it from me,' she said, pointing at the book. 'And in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a librarian - unless you want me to be.' The last part was drawn out in a whisper and his throat went dry for an entirely different reason.

'Okay, fine!' he said, sitting up. 'I just don't want to, all right!' He glared at her; she was unfazed. Instead she frowned and plopped down next to him.

'Funnily enough, I'd figured that out myself. Why, though?' He sighed, she could be so incredibly stupid sometimes. 'It's because that thing -' and he pointed at the offending object  '-is not for grown men! Or for grown ANYBODY!'

Her frown deepened. 'It's just a one-time thing! I have to put up with your stupid  ABBA records every time we go on a long road trip -' He gasped angrily. 'You said you liked those!'

'Well, I do and I'm not lying,' she said exasperatedly. 'I'm just wondering why you can't do the same thing for me!'

He threw his hands up in despair. 'It represents an ideal world where ironically stereotypes still persist! And - come on - it's so childish.'

She was foaming at the mouth now. 'Did you think of all those words by yourself?' she asked sarcastically. 'For your information, this one doesn't have any of that. And - no, listen to me!' she shouted as he opened his mouth to retaliate. 'You're such a hypocrite! What do you want from me? One moment you're saying you're glad I'm some wacky 500-Shades-of-Summer girl, dressed in sweats, blowing raspberrys at Taylor Swift, and screaming inappropriate shit at the top of my voice, and the next moment you want me to put my hair up and talk about the existential crisis that pervades our race while watching Night and Fog. Yes, I loved that too, that's not the point!' she screamed when he got to his feet.

Then her eyes grew big. 'Why am I - just me,  all of me - not enough?' He stopped, gaping. This was NOT how things were supposed to go. How did this discussion end up being about her?

She was still looking at him dolefully. Her eyes grew bigger; they were starting to become suspiciously shiny, too.  'Do you have to categorize everything you do or like? I guess - I just,' here she laughed sadly , and his heart contracted even more. 'I just miss the days we could cut ourselves some slack, have a laugh without analyzing every bit of what we do together.'

He sighed and bent his head. She was right, of course. He just wished he wasn't so upset about it - he hated feeling  guilty when he'd started out all righteous. She was good at giving him the most vicious reality checks.

He finally looked up to smile at her. 'All right,' he said. 'Just - next time, don't guilt trip me into watching Mulan with you again. Just ask me once, I'll do it.'

The joy that lit her face was brilliant. 'Yay! And I just got the DVD player working again too. I've never missed watching  Mulan each year, ever since I was three,' she babbled excitedly as he snuggled up next to her. He grinned; she really did want to share something she loved so much with him. And although it made him all the more ashamed of himself, he couldn't help but feel a little honoured, too. He - well, he loved her, he thought, ducking his head and blushing to himself.

It was an hour and a half before he could pick his jaw off the floor. 'This. Movie. Is. The. BEST,' he said, a tingling down his spine signalling the same. He'd had it before, when he first watched Trainspotting. 'It was so great, especially the part where she-' he said, turning to her before stopping short. She was curled up tightly around his back...and asleep.

Well, that was just great, he grumbled in his head, wiggling so that his nose was level  with her throat, and he could breathe her in. I'll make her regret this thoroughly; tomorrow I'm going to download every Disney princess movie and force her to watch them with me, and then we'll move to stuff I like - the whole American Pie series, and all the worst Sacha Baron Cohen ones, and then -

He was asleep within seconds.

Blue

It’s a world of blues out there

I wouldn’t say fifty shades of grey

Unless you want to 

Shift in and out

Of a half truth and full lie,

Of a spectrum of nothing and everything.

I say the world is blue because it is,

Of subtle hints and shifting waters

Of dappled purples and straightforward mauves.

In a clear blue sky, you see purpose

As you see a web of complications

In a sea of soft teal and cornflower.

Solid and liquid, blue is time

Blue is the wide-eyed gaze of a newborn,

Blue is the weary stare clouded with cataracts.

Blue is both knowledge and oblivion,

As close to black as it can get

When you try to see past the stars.

Cold and warm, a myriad of shades

That rival the fifty of grey

That you like to believe in so much.

I say your life is blue because it IS

It means the quiet rhythm 

Of the songs that narrate your soul

It means the depths of grief and failure

It means the soaring pinnacle of success

When you don that graduation cap.

Say what you like, every colour is blue’s best friend

Which is why - I say - when you’re ready

To share a piece of luck, love and life

You say this

‘Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue…’

Caged

All in honour of Southpaw's release. I love movies about fighters. Above is a picture of Casey Affleck from Out Of The Furnace - not a flick about a fighter, but boy was he good in it!

Shadows

First thing I notice are the shadows

Swilling, distracting

I concentrate, and am distracted

Roars

They grow louder and louder

Harsh, demanding

I can't see beyond the red

Dirt

What I see every time

Down, dying

Every time I'm knocked down

Shake

It's what my body does

Sneering, snarling

Behind the cage, stay you cowards

Ring

My home, my downfall

Pulling, pushing

I bleed into the sawdust quietly

Haaah

Haah, haah, haah, haah

Haah, haah,

Haah, haah, haah, haah, haah

Saving

Life's saving grace is

Realizing, sucking

You know you can't get worse

Wake

I wake, I glare

Swallowing, licking

The crimson froth off my knuckles

Scream

Scream all you want

Bawling, snorting

It's all you know, you motherf-kers

Grin

It's all I do

Smirking, beckoning

Come at me, you sweating bastard

Come

I'm ready for you

Hop, hop

Balls of your feet, shift, shift

Day of reckoning

Time to beat ya

To the ground; I been there loads of times

It's your turn now

and so the bell tolls.

Catharsis (Billionth Time's the Charm)

art by Narniakid on DeviantArt

Look. Listen to me. L-hey, you're not listening!

I did too tell you to do it the first time.

Well now that your head is partially turned in my direction - Goddamnit, didn't I just tell you that it was a stupid thing? It's not worth paying attention to! Look at me!

Oh, okay, okay, you're actually watching me. You're - okay, okay, I...um...wow, it's like I've forgotten what I had to say. Heh.

All right, see, it's like this. The first time I saw you, I was terrified. I'm not even kidding, I was trembling. Oh crap, you're chuckling at this. You're actually chuckling. God, I'm making such a fool of myself.

Oh, you weren't laughing at me? I believe you.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was - you were so bright. Dazzling, in fact. Do you know that in the Bhagvad  Gita, when Krishna blows off this spiel about dharma and fighting and shit to Arjuna - you know, I've always liked the guy despite everyone now saying how arrogant he actually was - anyway - so when he reveals his true form to him, to convince him or something, Arjuna had to cover his eyes? Because Krishna's true form was Vishnu, and Vishnu preserves the universe and the universe is so vast and incredible that a human couldn't comprehend it and that's why he nearly burned Arjuna's eyes out? That's what you were like. For me.

Oh, crap, I've digressed. Here - I'm here for heaven's sake! Okay.

So after I finally got up the balls (heh, I'm a girl) to talk to you, let's just say that the dazzling thing? Didn't stop at your appearance. I mean, you were something different totally. Here I was, a naive child, so goddamned stupid and innocent, and you knew everything that would take me years to catch up to.

So I tried to be smart. I wanted to talk big, talk smart. All so that you could get that gleam, you know, that gleam you get when you're like, 'Ah-ha. This is worth paying attention to.'

Good God, it was like trying to break through a wall, only to find bars of steel were actually holding it up, thicker than...well, whatever's like the thickest thing in the world. Ahem.

I spoke too quickly. I rushed over my words. I ranted over things I knew close to nothing of, just to impress you. I wanted to be Hermione - no, Harry Potter is not just for children! - brightest star! Prodigy! Somebody different! And you were so cool about it - you listened so very closely at first. I felt elated. I was the crowned one, amongst every other girl who vied for your quick, sharp smile, your sardonic nod, your face suddenly softening in those rare moments, while I watched you constantly. NO I'M NOT A STALKER.

(PLEASE - ahem, please put your hands down. I am calm.  I am Zen).

Yes, you were definitely kind. It could be anything, a work of art your friend had done that you appreciated, a nervous kid who'd lost their way and just needed a word of advice, a fan (not me) who was obsessed with you and you never, ever, not even once told her off. It was her right to be obsessed with whoever she wanted. As long as she didn't watch you sleep. 

But you listened to her.

I loved that about you.

Love.

And me? I contradicted everything you said just to get you to talk to me. It was so hard at first; I was jealous of anyone you conversed with, anyone who lit your cigarette (it's a nasty habit by the way) and got your sudden, grateful grin in return. Anyone you glanced at. It had to be me.

And I tried. I tried so hard, believe me. I tripped over my own feet in my attempts, I showed off my talents only to realize that you'd seen better, and in turn, whatever I did took a turn for the worse. You made me fidget, scratch at non-existent itches at the nape of my neck, scream when I should have whispered, push when I should have desisted, doubt myself, look at my toes more than what was normal - damn.

I had no self-esteem around you. I had to slip into shoes that fit exactly what you liked, tailor-made to your tastes. I wanted to be your soul mate.

YES, IT'S BULLSHIT , ALL THAT SOUL MATE NONSENSE. Please. Please - don't mock me, don't be a cynic now.

And - and then, that fateful day. She came. The unexpected woman who'd - excuse the fairytale cliché - sweep you off your feet.

You still talked to me in a familiar way. But my crown was gone. I didn't matter anymore.

You should know that I didn't cry. I wept.

One by one, those who knew, confirmed. She had done the impossible - worn that stone heart down. You see, the difference was that I'd rushed headlong into it, and gotten a Tom-and-Jerry-cartoon-sized bump, instead of the clarity that's supposed to come with realization on the other's part.

She just had to be.

The tears didn't come the way you'd think. My heart bled hard.

(Yes, it was real enough for me).

The hole yawned wide. And everybody I knew told me, 'Move on, you guys are different people for God's sake! Why do you care so much? He's an assh-le! He's not for you, you're too young, too trusting, too hopeful, too childish. You're an oddball, he's not. Just find someone who'll accept you for who you are.'

Please tell me. What was wrong with me? I knew it, it was the talking. No, no, that time I thought you were being serious and when you said it was a joke, everyone around started laughing while I blushed. No, f-ck, it's that time at the party where the three of us - you, me and her - were talking and you were just standing so close and I swear I could hear the crack. On the inside.

Oh, I stopped giving a flying f-ck ages ago. You're almost my mentor. We can chill. We can talk normally. No, I do not still experience flutters in my stomach when you hug me. No, definitely don't mention you in every other conversation. Nope. Wasn't me who toasted you drunkenly when it was graduation day for you. We're friends now.

WHY WASN'T I ENOUGH?!

(No, I'm not f-cking crying! They're angry tears! I'm not upset!)

So what now? Why aren't you saying anything? What are you thinking? Please don't leave me hanging. How will you react?

Hah, and as this page (3 pages to be exact) blurs before me and my eyes burn with the effort (totally not the sorrow - f-ck, just look at me!), I'm just going to crumple this one up and throw it into the growing pile of sickening love confessions. Mine, to you.

I'm going to relax and watch you talk to her, touch her shoulder, smile at her like I wanted you to smile at me, like I thought you actually did at one point of time.

What a child I am.

I can't tell you. Never.

(Okay, okay, I just sent you a message! Check your phone!)

And the circle begins once more

Bathtub Musings (Without The Scented Candles)

art by Paula Mihele on Etsy

I lay in the tub

I was just bathing

To the outsider it might have seemed

A scene fresh out of a horror flick

They said, 'No, it's not a trick

Look at her, pale and trembling

Arms splayed, fractured bones of a broken wing

Look at her sitting so still, wide-eyed

She's a form that can never abide

By time, by place, by reality, by universe

She's too much for us, she might coerce

Us, to sit there drowning with her for company

Let us thus abandon her, she is one, we are many

She cannot pull us down with her!'

I was just bathing

My chest was covered by the water

You couldn't see me naked

Maybe just the sticky strings, all vividly red

I was bathing and bleeding, you see

Because every word outside cut me

What had I done wrong? Was it

Really that awful to simply sit

And let them see me as I was?

Every person that tried

To lift me out, to stretch me wide

To fit with them, in them

Failed. And then lied in tandem

To the world that I was unfit.

Then some tried to sit

With me and clean me

And pull me into them, to see

If I would fold and lean

Forever into them, forever unseen.

They failed too, and lied in tandem

That I was unworthy of them.

All I wanted to do was bathe

And rise. And do everything

That I was supposed to have done

If they hadn't pounced and cut me

I wouldn't have bled and stared

And they couldn't have called me a ghost

I was in terror more than being a terror.

You see, I hadn't ever expected this, so

Maybe they were right after all.

Haiku Hassle - Part 2

(NATURE'S UNPREDICTABILITY)

Silver ribbon, endless currents

The river flows, around and away.

Surface beauty, beast within.

(SAD RELIEF)

Sweet scent, damp earth

Sakura swathe the weathered stone.

My sister is finally at peace.

(AMOUR)

Clear mirror, entangled curls

Cheek to cheek, back to chest, palm to breast.

A ripple. The memory's gone.

(NERO'S GUESTS)

The man cries

Flames roast, him and my meat

I belch and smile.

(BABRI MASJID RIOTS)

I am human

I kill Hafiz (Hey Ram!)

He is (not) human

(FARMERS' SUICIDES)

I can't burn

Mother has buried me alive

Fire is relief

(RAPE CASES)

It tears me

Man pounds and woman takes - why?

Oh, it hurts!

(RELIGIOUS BROTHERHOOD)

Singh and Saud

Brothers in arms, flesh, rights

Rights, not riots

(WHEN A LOVED ONE LEAVES IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE)

Why would you do this?

Red  drips, from vein to clear tub

Why would you do this?

(WHEN I MISS THE HECK OUT OF YOU)

Big black ugly hole yawns

And long stone white  path stretches

Achingly - without you.

New Year, New Life

Yes, we know that it's just another day. There's no massive epiphany, no golden revelation, no opening of the wardrobe to find a whole new world out there. 2015 will, for many of us, be the same mouldy old box, covered in posters taped to the door and filled with the same clothes, most unwashed and some never worn.

Yet, it's a new year, NEW YEAR, something that's never been experienced on this earth before and never will be. We humans are very good at branding - we can give anything a fresh name, a fresh identity, and put a spin on an old story to make it sound like we're listening to it for the first time, even if the characters are the same, the plot familiar and the turn of events eerily similar to something we feel like we've experienced before. Déjà vu, ladies and gentlemen. We create it.

It's when one reads Facebook statuses like, 'This year sucked. Hope the next one's better', that a gasp of a guffaw escapes the throat. No, friends, this year will not be better. You will have the same worries, the same inescapable sorrow, the insecurities which are but fraternal twins of those in the past.  Déjà vu, again. You re-create it in different packaging.

So I say, if we're so skilled at deluding ourselves, why not use that superpower for good? See what I did there - putting a Marvel/DC spin on things, the whole 'greater power, greater responsibility' spiel.  You see, we make the product, and we design modern packaging as well. So why not use up that unlimited employment discount - make something for yourself?

Do a good deed everyday to feel that warmth inside - which is just you patting yourself on the back. Read all kinds of books - especially the ones that reflect on every seam stitched in life's fabric, just so you can have those 'intellectual' conversations you've always wanted to be part of. Travel to get away. Learn to cook to avoid making instant noodles the only delicious thing in your life because you're broke. Make friends to get invited to parties so you can surround yourself with people, anything two-legged with half a brain and a heart and a human face so you never have to feel lonely. Plus, there's always Snapchat.

In short, do what you have to do to be happy. Make life the way you want it to be, so that every time you leap into the sea, you can pretend that each wave is a chance to emerge as something original. That you're not just standing like a fool as you become soaked to the skin. 2015, truly, can be a better year.

There's a Scott F. Fitzgerald quote that is especially significant at this point - “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” The storm will be ever present, the current forever unyielding, the boats tiresomely weak against the power of the waves. And yet, they continue to tread that treacherous water body.

Be not resistant against the flow of time, friends. Life will go on, each moment exactly like the previous. We're fighting a losing battle, but we're still fighting. Choose to live your lives the way you wish to live them. Choose to let go, to start afresh, to witness, what is actually, a new year.

Happy new year!