Boys and girls,
ladies and gentlemen, and senior citizens in motor-powered wheelchairs,
welcome! Today’s lecture will be provided by the eminent teen psychologist, Dr.
Aditi Kumar, M.A.D, C.R.A.C.K, K.O.O.K. In honor of Mother’s Day, we shall be
tackling a whole new topic, requested by our beloved patrons – the Monster
Mother Syndrome!
So what exactly is
the definition of a monster mother?
monster mother
noun
A terrifying creature, characterized by its
bloodshot eyes, loud shrill voice and the likely presence of mint-green
face-mask. Usually found lurking around in houses to jump at children, can be
identified by the onset of a dark shadow with long fangs and a large turban
made of terrycloth towel in the morning.
The monster mother,
much like its other terrifying counterparts, such as the Loch Ness monster and
the Yeti, is a thing of legend, fascination and infinite speculation. However,
this mythical being, cousin to the infamous banshee, has spawned a new problem
for hapless children and overworked psychologists around the world alike – the Monster
Mother Syndrome (MMS).
Be warned, people. The
MMS is not something to be toyed with. Symptoms are slow in developing, but are
easily recognizable. However, quick measures must be taken to prevent the MMS
from fully settling in; otherwise, dear friends, you’ll soon be left with an
actual, monster mother.
TOP FIVE WAYS OF RECOGNIZING THE MMS:
5. The word-swallowing
growl
Mostly
likely to occur: At any time of the day, although it is most frequent in
the mornings.
Caused by: Unpacked bags before school, unmade lunchboxes, untied
shoelaces, unwashed faces and an unfilled cup of coffee.
How to counter/avoid it: A hug, a kiss and a ‘See ya, Mum! Won’t
happen next time!’ before you get the hell outta there!
4. The heavy
footsteps
Most likely to occur: At anytime of the day, mostly during
moments of after-school euphoria and sibling fights.
Caused by: At the sound of breaking glass.
Actually, at the sound of anything
breaking.
How to counter/avoid it: If you have about 10 minutes, clear the
mess and pray that your mum doesn’t notice anything (although this is highly
unlikely). If you have about 5 minutes, jump behind the curtains and hide your
feet. If you have a minute, try finding different ways to say hello to your
Maker.
3. The shrill ‘WHAT’S
GOING ON UP THERE?’
Most likely to occur: In the evenings, late afternoons,
summer break and other holidays.
Caused by: Vocal cords itching to yell at something after sounds of continuous
screaming, scratching, punching and ‘Screw you! No, screw you!’
How to counter/avoid it: By meeting your mum’s angry questions
with sweet smiles and saccharine compliments to your siblings, accompanied by
bear hugs for each other (N.B. Underhand pinching is permitted). It
helps if you’re cute, too.
2. The
ceiling-shaking ‘ARRRGH!’
Most likely to occur: At mealtimes.
Caused by: Spilled food, stained clothes, food
fights and a negative reaction to vegetables.
How to counter/avoid it: Cease all destruction; just put your
head down and eat, people. Earmuffs are recommended to prevent deafness during
the inevitable meltdown.
And last, the worst
of them all…
1. The LOOK
Most
likely to occur: At the end of the year.
Caused
by: An exceptionally scarlet report card, accompanied by three of the worst
words in the English language – CAN DO BETTER.
How to counter/avoid it: All measures have failed in this
aspect. Be sure to prepare a will for this one.
 |
| GAH! YOU STUPID KID! |
 |
Love ya, Mum. |
