The Lark

The day my brother became a bird, we were attending his funeral. My parents sat way up front, I next to my father. The husband and kids sat in the second row - my son , fifteen and unfortunately blessed with a mindset he shared with his late uncle, kept trying to get a better look down my brother's ex-girlfriend's dress. A line of the same occupied seats in the third.

They lowered him into the ground, a gaping hole that would seal the remains of the boy I grew up watching but never knowing, forever. My brother and I were not close, not since I became a teenager and he left home in search of...I don't know. I only ever received letters from him after that, maybe an appearance or two at some family dinner every alternate year. What my brother did for a living, who he lived with, loved, worked with - all of this was as unclear as my brother himself.

But something  worked in my jaw when I saw the coffin go down and I allowed my throat to twist. You'd think that I was being weird about not breaking down completely, but that's what the funeral was like - no one was crying. We all sat there, my parents with glassy stares, my painful throat and a couple of my brother's friends who held themselves stiffly. Only two of his ex-girlfriends - the first and the most recent - trembled slightly. But there were no tears.

I watched as the long wooden box sank into the open grave. A sudden squeak sounded loudly, and the men stopped, startled. Then a fluttering of wings and a flash of yellow caused them to fumble completely, and the coffin dropped with a loud thud. My kids shrieked and the mourners yelped as the fluttering object zoomed  right over their heads before disappearing directly into the morning sunlight.

I was as surprised as the others, but it was dulled by what was happening in front of me. The undertaker stood with his men, scratching his head and peering into the grave. Apparently the coffin lid had come undone during the fall. I frowned - this was definitely not your by-the-book funeral. Even my parents were more distracted  with the crowd than the lasting peace they meant to provide for their dead son.

After the funeral, lunch was served in a small reception hall off the cemetery. I didn't feel like eating much - after sampling a scone, I made sure my kids had a full meal before leaving them to my husband. He didn't say much  to comfort me and I appreciated him for the same. He was thoughtful like that.

Something niggled me. The surreal feeling that had started the moment we'd heard news of my brother's death - he'd fallen while mountain-climbing in Austria - was back. I rose and left the hall, ignoring the crowd. There was a little grove of trees adjacent to the cemetery, so I walked there. The air was still and cold, and very quiet. It wasn't a peaceful sort of quiet either. As I shifted between trees, I felt as though I was waiting for something, a waver in the horizon, the second before a crack spreads across a lake previously frozen solid.

But only my footsteps echoed. I leaned against the bark of a birch and closed my eyes, breathing impending frost. Silence pervaded everything now: even my own breaths were now part of the stillness.

Crack!

I nearly jumped out of my skin.  Pushing away from the wood, I turned around. Nothing. No one. Ii I couldn't even hear the muted din from the dining hall. My eyes darted from tree to tree, but each remained as it was.

Crack!

I flinched, and eyed the cemetery uneasily. Silent and still as the graves themselves - or was that right?  Shadows flit across the tombstones all the time. Only...the dead cannot cast any.

Squawk.

My head   hit the wood as I started violently, before looking up. Two beady eyes regarded  me, dizzyingly intense. I was staring at a bird perched on one of the birch's branches.  It was a lark and a most beautiful one at that. Lashes of pale brown along its back gave way to a smooth  black dotting its tail feathers. Its head was small and curved perfectly along the dome; a tiny downy tuft was the quirky eye-catcher. What really stood out though was its front: a lovely deep yellow, the colour of the sky between daybreak and the sunrise.

It was unusually large, and my first feeling of awe receded to slight discomfort. It was watching me so curiously,  as though scrutinizing my very soul. I didn't like it at all, and backed away. It was late and I had a flight to catch next morning.

Where do you think you're going? An amused voice suddenly sounded and I screamed.

A loud twittering, a crash; a flock of small birds in the trees around fled, startling me considerably, and I tripped over the roots of the birch.

Whoa. Cool it

I stilled.

That was my brother's voice.

From my spot on the cold, hard ground, I looked up to see the lark flutter down closer. It had not shied away like that flock. Instead, it hopped to the branch directly above my head, forcing me to tilt back further.

I called his name.

The lark simply stared at me. It did not answer.

'Some hope,' I muttered, feeling a little foolish. The stillness and the bird's preternatural examination was getting to me. I began to untangle myself from the roots.

Would it kill you to be crazy for once in your life?

My fist clenched. I did not dare look up. There was another fluttering of wings, a light weight on my knee: the lark had moved to perch on my body. Its gaze seemed almost kindly, like a nurse twinkling at a particularly difficult, but sick child.

It's safe to look at me, sis. I don't bite.

I now felt really foolish. Raising a hand to pet the downy head, I whispered incredulously. 'You're a bird now?'

It didn't answer.

My eyebrows drew together, and suddenly, there was a burst of nostalgia in my heart, a feeling of déjà vu.

You used to do that when you were a kid, especially when I ate all your Halloween candy.

'I remember,' I said, with a sudden laugh. 'And you'd make sure to clear off all those chewy milk sticks I'd save up, and burp in my face later.'

A soft twitter.

Like you were any better.  Now you know why Santa always put a piece of coal in your stockings.

'Now I KNOW that was you,' I sniffed, crossing my arms. The lark cocked its head. I tilted my head, staring up at the sky. Steel gray was slowly melting into something softer, darker - a charcoal memory.

Why are you so sad?

Jolted out of my reverie, I turned to the lark. 'You just died, brother,' I pointed out dryly. 'Do you expect me to frolic in the sun?'

Not the funeral. You're only doing your duty.

Surprisingly, I was stung by this. My brother had never bothered to reach back after he'd left - no, all those years simply fled by with a postcard or two when he remembered, and maybe a sundry email once a week after he hit the early 30's, in between his visits home for an important occasion. In fact, the last real conversation I could remember having with him was the day my husband had proposed to me.

'He's not your type,' he'd said bluntly.  A cold day, like this one, the sun had refused to shine and resigned itself to a sulky spread of urine-yellow in the sky. I was supposed to have been deliriously happy on this day, and told him so - pointedly.

'Well, you're going to feel like this anyway, may as well start now.' My brother's words were staccato in delivery, hurtful in impact. He'd sipped at a glass of apple cider, disinterested and separate from the celebrations as usual.

'You're wrong,' I'd spat bitterly. 'He's smart, he cares, he gives a shit, calls when I want him to, knows what I think -  and is handsome as hell, too!' 'You're buying off an advertorial. This man isn't what you need, and you know that ,' he'd replied calmly. In that moment, I knew the frustration - as politically incorrect as it is - of talking to a deaf person.

'What would you know? When have  you ever cared?'

He had stilled after that. Setting his glass down on a nearby table, he looked at me and for the first time, I'd seen something of emotion, something that had finally affected him enough to react. 'I have, always,' he'd muttered. 'I'm your brother.'

'You never act like it.'

That had really made him freeze. He'd opened his mouth to say something but a drunken aunt suddenly latched on to his arm and dragged him away before he could reply. I watched him leave. I never went after him.

What are you thinking about?

I shook my head. This was stupid enough already: I was talking to a lark, I was hearing voices in my head and memories I definitely didn't want to revisit. Taking a quick glance at my watch, I rose and turned to depart. My family was waiting.

Wait.

I didn't move.

The lark, jolted out of its position when I'd risen, came to rest atop a branch just above my shoulder. I looked at it. Its feathers caught the light of the waning sun, darkening the yellow to amber. With a quick turn of its head, it looked towards the horizon, and quite suddenly, I saw my brother - the same dreamlike gaze, the tuning out of the world to enter into a universe deep within oneself. I felt shamed, like I was interrupting something private.

'I'm leaving,' I muttered, and the lark beat its wings frantically.

I was coming back.

My eyes widened.

The lark bent towards me, its eyes a clear, honest black. Romanticised as this thought was, I could not help but gaze back, trying to plumb something, anything I could learn of my wanderer brother.

I realized quite early that I wasn't meant to have a home, or a family. I am too restless. I never fit in. To stay in one place is to let all experience of it rust eventually. People grow tired of a single person too easily. That kind of politics with emotions, with identity is not something I could deal with.

I swallowed. 'That is nonsense.'  How could I have missed this...this suicidal notion? It was so selfish, to even think like that.

Maybe it is. But it wouldn't have been just myself - I would have made you all unhappy. People exhausted me, sister. To tell them suddenly that I didn't want their company, that I was fine with hanging out alone - everyone expects you to need someone else ultimately.

I recalled a peculiar incident just then. I was twelve, it was my birthday. Mum and Dad had thrown me a huge party, and I had enjoyed it all: cake, friends from school, ice cream, a movie thrown in. And the best part was that my brother was there all along, laughing and joking, pranking my dad and graciously dancing with all the girls in my class who'd had a huge crush on him.

For most part, at least. Then, as he listened to an uncle who had been invited as well, a light seemed to have gone out of his face; drained as though someone was drawing out his strength through an IV. Mid-conversation, he'd strode out, leaving my uncle staring at his retreating back in disbelief.

I'd found him later in the backyard. He was on his back, staring at the stars spread out in a velvety expanse of navy sky. His trademark faraway gaze was back.

'Why'd you leave? '

His answer was simple. 'I had to.'

Do you understand now?

'No! I mean...a little, I guess,' I said shaking my head. Sinking to my feet, I rested against the cold bark of the birch, ignoring the tiny pinpricks of pain its grooves sent through the back of my head. 'But you can't assume that people will be that way all the time. Things change, people are never the same after a while.'

Then why are you so sad? With your husband, your children? Don't they still disappoint you?

A soft note of song. It was wistful.

I should have taken you with me.

I found myself bristling. 'You know nothing,' I snarled. The lark was startled by the sudden movement; it fluttered quickly to the topmost branch, cocking its head fearfully.

I rose, shaking. I had never felt so angry. 'You never stuck around to see how I got along!'  I yelled at him. 'I love him! I've always loved him, and just because he wasn't your type, he didn't think like you felt I deserved ... how dare you accuse me of settling down?'

To a passerby, I would have looked crazy. And perhaps I was, because the next thing I knew was that I was reaching for the boughs, grappling to try and seize that stupid bird to make it understand. I got as far as the second branch before the lark fled to the one below.

'You don't know anything!' I bellowed from above, hair whipping my face. 'Don't try and justify this - you were always running away because you never tried to understand. Everything had to fit your warped logic - if it didn't, you cut it off or shut it away! Do you know how you've killed our parents ?'

What are you saying?

Oh, he had no right to sound so horrified. The lark's feathers now seemed wholly unattractive: the brown of it - insignificant, pale, ugly -  was more apparent that its deep gold front.

'You killed them on the inside. They were so hurt that Mum doesn't ever raise her voice anymore, not in excitement, not in anger, like she used to. Grandma's death - she went back to work the next morning like nothing had ever happened! And Dad's stopped laughing. He never talks to my kids the way he'd play with us.  They're not ALIVE. This is all your fault!

'And me - ' But I couldn't go on. It was too painful, my brother was dead and no one seemed to care and he'd been too young, he'd fallen off a cliff  and I had to go home straight the next morning - Mum and Dad were saying farewells  to the guests, I fancied I could hear them and my husband would look for me and my kids - my brother was dead.

The damned tears never stopped falling. I sobbed.

CRACK!

'Oh, damn,' I whispered . The branch gave away and I fell, sucked into the earth as it were (never underestimate gravity). I crashed knee-first into the roots. This birch was cursed.

The roots tangled with the skirt of my black dress, and I bit my lip hard to stop myself from screaming - I could feel my right knee throbbing from inside out.

A slight weight on my shoulder, the soft brush of wings against my cheek.

Now imagine that - but from a cliff.

'Are you joking about your death?' I yelped. The lark pecked me lightly, as though rebuking.

Shut up.

It was starting to become colder, and I shivered, pulling my dress around myself. My knee hurt dreadfully.

Call your husband.

My husband. Right. I owned a phone.

I didn't move.

Why aren't you using your phone?

'I -' I didn't know how to frame it.

It was kindly. The lark nuzzled my cheek.

Call him, I'll be here long enough for some answers.

I texted my husband, and settled against the tree to wait.

Larks are known for bringing joy and happiness to your life.

'Well, you're just doing fine, aren't you?' I said sullenly. The sky was darkening once more. If I wasn't careful, I could get caught in a winter storm.

A cold wind whistled through the woods.

I was coming back, you know.

'What?' I asked, startled. The lark looked at me, really looked at me.

I was coming back. That trip to Austria - it was going to be my last for a very long time. I didn't like the way you sounded on the phone when we last spoke, you were just so...dead. It scared me. I didn't know what to do. And Mum and Dad weren't picking up my calls anymore. It was like they let the phone ring whenever I tried.

The wind was starting to numb me.

The point is - I was tired now, of myself. All those years of travelling, of escaping every time I felt overwhelmed by one place, one person, every time I was asked to weather out something despite my exhaustion. It didn't help, the leaving.

I could hear someone calling my name. My husband. A group of voices joined him, but I couldn't find it in myself to answer.

I guess it was too late.

The voices grew louder, closer.

I'm sorry.

'No,' I whispered. 'No, it's...you should know we never - obviously never stopped loving you.'  All those years in between, of me avoiding my brother's gaze because I was so angry, of not answering my children's questions about their uncle, of not even talking about him with my parents - and I had assumed it was over as soon as he'd left...

The weight was lifted from my shoulder. I looked up to see the lark soar high into the dense sky, its beautiful sunrise front glinting one last time in the moonlight before it disappeared.

My stomach seemed horribly empty, and I could feel my eyes well again. But it was with a strange calm, and an even stranger, lighter heart that I finally turned to face my husband, anxious eyes lit with a torch.

'There you are! Why didn't you call?'

'I ran out of battery,' I lied softly, hugging him with a sudden surge of love. He picked me up, carrying me bridegroom-style as we were joined by the rest of my family asking question after question.

'Where were you?'

'Why'd you wander off?'

'Have you had dinner?'

'Mum, can we go out for hot chocolate?'

I can see I was wrong then, eh?

I buried my head in my husband's shoulder.

This would have been nice to come home to.

I nodded briefly. 'It would have been nice to see you,' I whispered under my breath.

Yeah.

I knew then that I didn't have to say goodbye after all.

Today

I do not want to regret

Regret, like taking the first train

Jumping off the platform

And finding myself bent double 

In a crowd full of every woman for herself.

I do not want to regret

Regret being sliced and diced

Refrigerated and folded

Packed into a tin

Along with a hundred thousand others.

Today I take the first step

A small one, but it's a start.

I tire of the taste of ashes

Of dreams only dreamt

Then burned like this scrap I write on.

Today what I want to say

Will begin to take shape.

The deadline's in clear sight

And the trail less so.

I follow the lead of my heroes

Perhaps not to bleed for a greater good, yet

But to bleed for myself

For not now, then when?

When will I become like them?

I will not regret

Not fighting tooth and nail

To shine inside out

Today I take the first step

And it won't be the last.

Much Ado About Nothing

The first time she asked, he'd had a legitimate reason to back out. 'Nuh-uh,' he said, inwardly thankful for his hard-as-nails boss. 'I have a huge presentation the day after, don't even -' 'Get you started?' she'd said dryly, and he'd blushed hard. Okay, so he spent inordinate hours complaining about work. That still didn't deter him from using it as an excuse to not join her. Rolling her eyes, she'd flounced off to her own drawing board.

The second time it happened, he was attacking her and she - happily for him - was enjoying it very much indeed. The moment came (ahem) when he was nuzzling her smooth inner thigh. Breathlessly, she gasped out her request, meeting his astonished eyes with her own, low-lidded and dark with lust. He didn't say a word - didn't have to, not when he bent his head in a sudden moment of inspiration and she was blazing home with no memory afterward of her question.

Then again, she'd always had that annoying habit of springing something on him when he was at his most vulnerable. So it came to this - a week after that particularly pleasurable night, when he was sprawled out on the sofa in his boxers having just downed a plate and a half of lasagne, and completely at peace with a copy of Jurassic Park, he didn't look up till a loud thump shocked him into doing just that.

'What?' he barked, snappy because he was startled. She didn't give a damn though (Never did, he thought wryly). Instead she grinned at him happily and mouthed what she wanted. 'Come on, I've been asking you forever and you always refuse!'

He gulped and promptly rolled off the sofa. 'I - er, can't. Not tonight, anyway,' he said. 'Why not?' she asked, annoyed. 'Because, uh...I have to finish this. Yeah, can't keep it too long here, heh,' he said, his voice sounding irritatingly jaunty even to himself. She raised an eyebrow. 'You borrowed it from me,' she said, pointing at the book. 'And in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a librarian - unless you want me to be.' The last part was drawn out in a whisper and his throat went dry for an entirely different reason.

'Okay, fine!' he said, sitting up. 'I just don't want to, all right!' He glared at her; she was unfazed. Instead she frowned and plopped down next to him.

'Funnily enough, I'd figured that out myself. Why, though?' He sighed, she could be so incredibly stupid sometimes. 'It's because that thing -' and he pointed at the offending object  '-is not for grown men! Or for grown ANYBODY!'

Her frown deepened. 'It's just a one-time thing! I have to put up with your stupid  ABBA records every time we go on a long road trip -' He gasped angrily. 'You said you liked those!'

'Well, I do and I'm not lying,' she said exasperatedly. 'I'm just wondering why you can't do the same thing for me!'

He threw his hands up in despair. 'It represents an ideal world where ironically stereotypes still persist! And - come on - it's so childish.'

She was foaming at the mouth now. 'Did you think of all those words by yourself?' she asked sarcastically. 'For your information, this one doesn't have any of that. And - no, listen to me!' she shouted as he opened his mouth to retaliate. 'You're such a hypocrite! What do you want from me? One moment you're saying you're glad I'm some wacky 500-Shades-of-Summer girl, dressed in sweats, blowing raspberrys at Taylor Swift, and screaming inappropriate shit at the top of my voice, and the next moment you want me to put my hair up and talk about the existential crisis that pervades our race while watching Night and Fog. Yes, I loved that too, that's not the point!' she screamed when he got to his feet.

Then her eyes grew big. 'Why am I - just me,  all of me - not enough?' He stopped, gaping. This was NOT how things were supposed to go. How did this discussion end up being about her?

She was still looking at him dolefully. Her eyes grew bigger; they were starting to become suspiciously shiny, too.  'Do you have to categorize everything you do or like? I guess - I just,' here she laughed sadly , and his heart contracted even more. 'I just miss the days we could cut ourselves some slack, have a laugh without analyzing every bit of what we do together.'

He sighed and bent his head. She was right, of course. He just wished he wasn't so upset about it - he hated feeling  guilty when he'd started out all righteous. She was good at giving him the most vicious reality checks.

He finally looked up to smile at her. 'All right,' he said. 'Just - next time, don't guilt trip me into watching Mulan with you again. Just ask me once, I'll do it.'

The joy that lit her face was brilliant. 'Yay! And I just got the DVD player working again too. I've never missed watching  Mulan each year, ever since I was three,' she babbled excitedly as he snuggled up next to her. He grinned; she really did want to share something she loved so much with him. And although it made him all the more ashamed of himself, he couldn't help but feel a little honoured, too. He - well, he loved her, he thought, ducking his head and blushing to himself.

It was an hour and a half before he could pick his jaw off the floor. 'This. Movie. Is. The. BEST,' he said, a tingling down his spine signalling the same. He'd had it before, when he first watched Trainspotting. 'It was so great, especially the part where she-' he said, turning to her before stopping short. She was curled up tightly around his back...and asleep.

Well, that was just great, he grumbled in his head, wiggling so that his nose was level  with her throat, and he could breathe her in. I'll make her regret this thoroughly; tomorrow I'm going to download every Disney princess movie and force her to watch them with me, and then we'll move to stuff I like - the whole American Pie series, and all the worst Sacha Baron Cohen ones, and then -

He was asleep within seconds.

Blue

It’s a world of blues out there

I wouldn’t say fifty shades of grey

Unless you want to 

Shift in and out

Of a half truth and full lie,

Of a spectrum of nothing and everything.

I say the world is blue because it is,

Of subtle hints and shifting waters

Of dappled purples and straightforward mauves.

In a clear blue sky, you see purpose

As you see a web of complications

In a sea of soft teal and cornflower.

Solid and liquid, blue is time

Blue is the wide-eyed gaze of a newborn,

Blue is the weary stare clouded with cataracts.

Blue is both knowledge and oblivion,

As close to black as it can get

When you try to see past the stars.

Cold and warm, a myriad of shades

That rival the fifty of grey

That you like to believe in so much.

I say your life is blue because it IS

It means the quiet rhythm 

Of the songs that narrate your soul

It means the depths of grief and failure

It means the soaring pinnacle of success

When you don that graduation cap.

Say what you like, every colour is blue’s best friend

Which is why - I say - when you’re ready

To share a piece of luck, love and life

You say this

‘Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue…’

Caged

All in honour of Southpaw's release. I love movies about fighters. Above is a picture of Casey Affleck from Out Of The Furnace - not a flick about a fighter, but boy was he good in it!

Shadows

First thing I notice are the shadows

Swilling, distracting

I concentrate, and am distracted

Roars

They grow louder and louder

Harsh, demanding

I can't see beyond the red

Dirt

What I see every time

Down, dying

Every time I'm knocked down

Shake

It's what my body does

Sneering, snarling

Behind the cage, stay you cowards

Ring

My home, my downfall

Pulling, pushing

I bleed into the sawdust quietly

Haaah

Haah, haah, haah, haah

Haah, haah,

Haah, haah, haah, haah, haah

Saving

Life's saving grace is

Realizing, sucking

You know you can't get worse

Wake

I wake, I glare

Swallowing, licking

The crimson froth off my knuckles

Scream

Scream all you want

Bawling, snorting

It's all you know, you motherf-kers

Grin

It's all I do

Smirking, beckoning

Come at me, you sweating bastard

Come

I'm ready for you

Hop, hop

Balls of your feet, shift, shift

Day of reckoning

Time to beat ya

To the ground; I been there loads of times

It's your turn now

and so the bell tolls.

Catharsis (Billionth Time's the Charm)

art by Narniakid on DeviantArt

Look. Listen to me. L-hey, you're not listening!

I did too tell you to do it the first time.

Well now that your head is partially turned in my direction - Goddamnit, didn't I just tell you that it was a stupid thing? It's not worth paying attention to! Look at me!

Oh, okay, okay, you're actually watching me. You're - okay, okay, I...um...wow, it's like I've forgotten what I had to say. Heh.

All right, see, it's like this. The first time I saw you, I was terrified. I'm not even kidding, I was trembling. Oh crap, you're chuckling at this. You're actually chuckling. God, I'm making such a fool of myself.

Oh, you weren't laughing at me? I believe you.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was - you were so bright. Dazzling, in fact. Do you know that in the Bhagvad  Gita, when Krishna blows off this spiel about dharma and fighting and shit to Arjuna - you know, I've always liked the guy despite everyone now saying how arrogant he actually was - anyway - so when he reveals his true form to him, to convince him or something, Arjuna had to cover his eyes? Because Krishna's true form was Vishnu, and Vishnu preserves the universe and the universe is so vast and incredible that a human couldn't comprehend it and that's why he nearly burned Arjuna's eyes out? That's what you were like. For me.

Oh, crap, I've digressed. Here - I'm here for heaven's sake! Okay.

So after I finally got up the balls (heh, I'm a girl) to talk to you, let's just say that the dazzling thing? Didn't stop at your appearance. I mean, you were something different totally. Here I was, a naive child, so goddamned stupid and innocent, and you knew everything that would take me years to catch up to.

So I tried to be smart. I wanted to talk big, talk smart. All so that you could get that gleam, you know, that gleam you get when you're like, 'Ah-ha. This is worth paying attention to.'

Good God, it was like trying to break through a wall, only to find bars of steel were actually holding it up, thicker than...well, whatever's like the thickest thing in the world. Ahem.

I spoke too quickly. I rushed over my words. I ranted over things I knew close to nothing of, just to impress you. I wanted to be Hermione - no, Harry Potter is not just for children! - brightest star! Prodigy! Somebody different! And you were so cool about it - you listened so very closely at first. I felt elated. I was the crowned one, amongst every other girl who vied for your quick, sharp smile, your sardonic nod, your face suddenly softening in those rare moments, while I watched you constantly. NO I'M NOT A STALKER.

(PLEASE - ahem, please put your hands down. I am calm.  I am Zen).

Yes, you were definitely kind. It could be anything, a work of art your friend had done that you appreciated, a nervous kid who'd lost their way and just needed a word of advice, a fan (not me) who was obsessed with you and you never, ever, not even once told her off. It was her right to be obsessed with whoever she wanted. As long as she didn't watch you sleep. 

But you listened to her.

I loved that about you.

Love.

And me? I contradicted everything you said just to get you to talk to me. It was so hard at first; I was jealous of anyone you conversed with, anyone who lit your cigarette (it's a nasty habit by the way) and got your sudden, grateful grin in return. Anyone you glanced at. It had to be me.

And I tried. I tried so hard, believe me. I tripped over my own feet in my attempts, I showed off my talents only to realize that you'd seen better, and in turn, whatever I did took a turn for the worse. You made me fidget, scratch at non-existent itches at the nape of my neck, scream when I should have whispered, push when I should have desisted, doubt myself, look at my toes more than what was normal - damn.

I had no self-esteem around you. I had to slip into shoes that fit exactly what you liked, tailor-made to your tastes. I wanted to be your soul mate.

YES, IT'S BULLSHIT , ALL THAT SOUL MATE NONSENSE. Please. Please - don't mock me, don't be a cynic now.

And - and then, that fateful day. She came. The unexpected woman who'd - excuse the fairytale cliché - sweep you off your feet.

You still talked to me in a familiar way. But my crown was gone. I didn't matter anymore.

You should know that I didn't cry. I wept.

One by one, those who knew, confirmed. She had done the impossible - worn that stone heart down. You see, the difference was that I'd rushed headlong into it, and gotten a Tom-and-Jerry-cartoon-sized bump, instead of the clarity that's supposed to come with realization on the other's part.

She just had to be.

The tears didn't come the way you'd think. My heart bled hard.

(Yes, it was real enough for me).

The hole yawned wide. And everybody I knew told me, 'Move on, you guys are different people for God's sake! Why do you care so much? He's an assh-le! He's not for you, you're too young, too trusting, too hopeful, too childish. You're an oddball, he's not. Just find someone who'll accept you for who you are.'

Please tell me. What was wrong with me? I knew it, it was the talking. No, no, that time I thought you were being serious and when you said it was a joke, everyone around started laughing while I blushed. No, f-ck, it's that time at the party where the three of us - you, me and her - were talking and you were just standing so close and I swear I could hear the crack. On the inside.

Oh, I stopped giving a flying f-ck ages ago. You're almost my mentor. We can chill. We can talk normally. No, I do not still experience flutters in my stomach when you hug me. No, definitely don't mention you in every other conversation. Nope. Wasn't me who toasted you drunkenly when it was graduation day for you. We're friends now.

WHY WASN'T I ENOUGH?!

(No, I'm not f-cking crying! They're angry tears! I'm not upset!)

So what now? Why aren't you saying anything? What are you thinking? Please don't leave me hanging. How will you react?

Hah, and as this page (3 pages to be exact) blurs before me and my eyes burn with the effort (totally not the sorrow - f-ck, just look at me!), I'm just going to crumple this one up and throw it into the growing pile of sickening love confessions. Mine, to you.

I'm going to relax and watch you talk to her, touch her shoulder, smile at her like I wanted you to smile at me, like I thought you actually did at one point of time.

What a child I am.

I can't tell you. Never.

(Okay, okay, I just sent you a message! Check your phone!)

And the circle begins once more